My Estranged Father Just Died and My Feelings Are Complicated

My father never hit me. He never yelled at me. He never forced me into his version of manhood. For that, I am grateful. Still, his absence left a silent weight across my childhood that never faded completely. He was always there, and yet somehow, he wasn’t.

Growing Up Without Connection

He provided for us, worked long hours, and made sure life ran smoothly. But he existed like a roommate rather than a parent. We exchanged polite conversations, never delving into anything deeper than small talk. Birthdays were remembered, but never celebrated together. When my parents divorced, he drifted out of my life almost entirely.

Years passed with little contact—just a few texts or emails, mostly around holidays. When I learned he had fallen ill, I hesitated to visit. Then came the message: he had passed away. No warning, no final words. Just an end.

The Collision of Grief and Distance

Grief is strange when love was distant. I didn’t cry at first. Then guilt arrived—guilt for feeling numb, for not feeling “enough." People expect sorrow to look a certain way, but for those of us who had half-relationships with our parents, loss is more confusion than mourning.

I found myself flipping through old photos, searching for closeness that never was. Friends offered condolences, but their words couldn’t touch the hollow blend of relief and regret inside me. I felt sorry for him, for how lonely he must have been, even as I struggled to picture being around him again.

Learning to Let It Be Complicated

Some relationships are simply unfinished. There’s no clean narrative or closure; just fragments of care and indifference woven together. What remains after such loss is the quiet choice to stop expecting what never came.

“Love doesn’t always announce itself through warmth. Sometimes, it’s the lingering ache of what we hoped for but never received.”

I’m learning not to judge my reaction, to let conflicting feelings sit side by side. My father and I never made peace, but maybe accepting that truth is its own kind of healing.

Author’s summary: A writer navigates the complex emotional terrain of losing an estranged father, facing grief shaped by absence more than presence.

LEVEL Man on MSN — 2025-11-30